you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
