I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
