I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
