So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
