Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Holy shit dude........stairs
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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