i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
