he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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