Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
