Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
my liver is dry heaving
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
