I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
