After last night, I could never be a politician.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
