Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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