Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I deserve this hangover.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
