I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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