I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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