I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Randomize
