i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
