Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
