Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
