Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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