My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
