i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
