i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
