I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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