omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
