grandma shit on top of the toilet
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
