Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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