Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
its liver damage thursday
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
