pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
its not stalking. its research.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
