24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
