i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
