i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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