i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Just pee around me
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
