Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
