A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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