I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
