I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
