Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
