I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
