do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
