I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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