I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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