Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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