I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
