Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
should my penis look like a turkey
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
