I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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