Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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