You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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