I'm so fucking centered right now
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
