no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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