I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Did I show you my penis last night?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
